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Fantastic letter from someone who obviously knows his onions!

November 4th, 2009

We have noticed over the past few months that our miniatures are being used in some unusual places, such as fashion shoots in magazines.  Because of this we sent our latest catalogue, together with a letter, to a number of Creative Directors at advertising agencies across the country with the aim of encouraging them to use their imaginations and our miniatures.  On the whole the response was positive, but there was one letter that really stood out (and put a smile on everyone’s face, so thank you Mr Mackintosh!):


We obviously couldn’t leave Mr Mackintosh in such a quandary, so our Managing Director, Jackie Lee, sent the following letter, which has hopefully put his mind at rest:

Dear Mr Mackintosh,

Thank you for taking the time to peruse our new September catalogue. I’m sorry that the catalogue failed to provide all the information you require but I will attempt to answer your questions as best I can:

a) Unfortunately, due to a dispute with our TNT supplier, we are currently unable to pre-explode items for you. We are also unable to provide dismembered figurines, although you are welcome to purchase whole figurines and dismember them yourself. However, if this is how you enjoy spending your time then perhaps counselling would be a more prudent investment?

b) Sadly our miniature food is not edible and will not contribute towards your ’5 a day’. Having said this, they may still contain more nutritional value than a pot noodle.

c) The Dolls house Emporium dolls are shy folk, unlikely to reveal their ‘wares’ on a first date.  As such you may have to wine and dine the ‘Gentlemen and Servants’ a little before finding out the answer to this question.  If you do require dolls specifically for nude scenes then please provide further details and measurements of your requirements and we will try to accommodate you.  Please be aware that our dolls are modelled in a 1:12 scale and try not to be offended at the results.

d) We are unable to provide a plumbing service as part of the delivery, but your local directory will have many numbers for local plumbers in your area.  As our houses are built to a 1:12 scale you should be able to successfully haggle them down to 1:12 of the price.

e)  I am surprised at your request for an alternative installation technician as ‘Miriam’ is the poster-girl for our company and has wowed many a customer with her charm and wit.  However, if you require an alternative we can dispatch your purchases with ‘Malcolm’; an ex-west-end actor who loves to get into character by dressing as a postal worker and pretending he’s only responsible for the delivery, not the installation, of your items.

f) Unfortunately our ‘astronaut range’ was removed from our catalogue in the wake of allegations from conspiracy theorists surrounding their use as props for NASA’s Apollo project. Due to legal reasons we are unable to comment further.

g) Mr Douglas is an emotive person and is certainly capable of an expressing a wide variety of emotions ranging from subtle contentment to mild indignation. He is, however, well renowned for his ‘poker face’ so your guess is as good as ours.

h) To be frank, we aren’t 100% sure how the stag came to be in this picture.  We believe that it was simply running too fast and just happened to crash through the wall at the instant the photograph was taken. Post-photoshoot examination revealed no trace of the stag’s whereabouts so we can only assume that he extracted himself successfully and without harm.

i) Traditional 5-pin tumbler locks are installed on all outer doors.  However due to the friendly nature of the inhabitants and a strict neighbourhood watch scheme these are rarely employed by the residents.

I hope I have been able to answer your questions to your satisfaction, if you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

Jackie Lee

Managing Director


2 Comments to “Fantastic letter from someone who obviously knows his onions!”

  1. Natalie Skipiol Says:

    Sent my order on the Dolls House Emporium site around midday on Tuesday taking advantage of the free postage offer and free gift. To my amazement the following day the postman knocked at the door to deliver it. Eveything was very carefully wrapped and everything was excellent quality and was even better than I had expected. I am now a very satisfied customer and would stronly recommend Dolls House Emporium to everyone.

  2. Shellby_Fay Says:

    Haha, these letters are fabulous and the reply is very clever and well thought out! xx

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